12:37am Monday Morning

Moving is complete but unpacking has just begun. Power is turned on but the lack of internet is problematic. Hence this 12:37am update via the work internet. Don't worry I won't get in trouble as long as the cleaning is done and no ones dies *fingers crossed it's still early in the night* I'm free to to as I please... within reason.

A resident comes up. He tells me he feels foggy and ghost like. In a matter of fact way I inform him that halloween is over. He nods and goes back to bed. Everyday is almost halloween like around here. It's like loneliness he says before going back to bed. One of our ladies is up and in the bathroom. I have to keep the door open because she obsessively flushes the toilet till it breaks. She's telling me about how her breasts are named Sonny and Cher. I try not to laugh. No matter how many times she tells me this it's still funny.

This is how I spend my nights. Soon I'll turn to studying anatomy or perhaps I'll say screw it till tomorrow and watch Caprica on Hulu. Either way it's 12:44am now.

The illness is lurking

Sometimes I feel I'm going a little crazy.

Not like my residents. I'm not hearing or seeing things that are telling me what to do. I do talk when I know there's no one there. I talk in the car everywhere I go. Sometimes I pretend there's someone in the seat next to me sometimes I don't. Sometimes I lie and talk about what I wish my life was. Other times I'm so honest I'm in tears. I can't decide if this is a good coping mechanism or a step on my slow descent into madness.

There are statistics out there on everything but one that I feel may actually be accurate is that 1 in 17 people (6%) will at some point have a serious diagnosable mental illness. While 26% will meet diagnostic criteria for any form of mental illness. The odds are at some point in my life I'll be one of those people.

I don't know if it's scary or a relief but I feel like it's looming, like the clouds are closing in around me and that I'll never ever be happy. I know I have every reason to be happy. I have friends, a family, a place to live food, a job that even though I hate pays well. I have plans for the future and I have ambitions. I have every reason not to feel like this but I do. The worst part is I've felt it before. I feel like things are out of control and swirling around me like I'm at the event horizon of a black hole about to go over the edge where I'll spend the rest of eternity falling into nothingness.

I want to get help and I know how. I spend my who day telling people to ask for help when they need it to just stand up and tell 'it' that you don't want it there and that you can take control of your own life. We all need to take our own advice more often than we like. Tomorrow I'm going to call and make an appointment for myself. I get some counseling sessions with my insurance so I might as well take advantage of them while I still have it.

It's lurking around the corner. Sometimes I want it to get me to suck me in but for now I'm going to fight it. I'm going to ask for help.

Out of Hope... for now

Today was one of those days that work got to me. I work with adults who have mental illness. It's usually great days where it's fun and interesting. The last two days were intense. Strong delusions, trying to break delusions, people playing into delusions. Breaking a delusion isn't easy they're ingrained so deeply and with one of our residents reinforced by institutionalization since the age of 17. She's 61 years old now that's 44 years of pure failure to help her. She's someone with proper help she could have gotten better, she could have lived on her own and with the help of out patient therapy and medication have had a relatively normal life.

This woman thinks she has a husband, who was a fellow resident at the institution. She believes he's her Doctor and won't have any medical attention from anyone but him. He comes at night to do these medical appointments. She suffers from auditory and visual hallucinations. The auditory is hearing voices from her 'husband', others talking or God. Visual hallucinations range from seeing a dog in the house to the 'molecular foundations of all the world' and 'the writing on the wall' as in how rules appear in institutions. Illness is one thing but delusions created completely from living 'under care' makes me sick.

Today we were going to go to PetSmart and visit the animals (all of our residents love animals) but she physically could not go because the delusional writing she saw said she couldn't and that the world would end if she attempted to. Attempting to break these delusions is the hardest part. It's just sitting there and fighting for hours and days every time she brings up a delusion saying it's not real over and over and over again simply having hope that one day it'll sink in.

I'm out of hope today. I just hope I come up with a little by morning.