12:37am Monday Morning

Moving is complete but unpacking has just begun. Power is turned on but the lack of internet is problematic. Hence this 12:37am update via the work internet. Don't worry I won't get in trouble as long as the cleaning is done and no ones dies *fingers crossed it's still early in the night* I'm free to to as I please... within reason.

A resident comes up. He tells me he feels foggy and ghost like. In a matter of fact way I inform him that halloween is over. He nods and goes back to bed. Everyday is almost halloween like around here. It's like loneliness he says before going back to bed. One of our ladies is up and in the bathroom. I have to keep the door open because she obsessively flushes the toilet till it breaks. She's telling me about how her breasts are named Sonny and Cher. I try not to laugh. No matter how many times she tells me this it's still funny.

This is how I spend my nights. Soon I'll turn to studying anatomy or perhaps I'll say screw it till tomorrow and watch Caprica on Hulu. Either way it's 12:44am now.

Weekends & Magic

I don't really have a normal weekend. I work the evening shift so I never get to see anyone ever. It's a pain int he ass. I don't really like to complain about it but it sucks so bad. No one is getting any holiday off and there isn't going to be any new staff till the new year. So basically no one can ever have an additional day off ever again.

Ugh. No complaining. I hate complaining.

If you haven't seen BBC's Merlin it's completely awesome and you should fun family actiony dramay good stuff for everyone. Really it's amazing and I love it and you should too. :)

Back to Friday

Soooo... I didn't post after work last night after work. I don't get home till midnight and I really didn't stay up to much later than that.

Nothing of note really happened yesterday. For real boring day nothing evened happened at work of interest. We had a nice honey mustard chicken and potatoes for work. And orange jello but I don't like orange jello.

like I said int he video I made... boring.

Lifeline

I learned the hard way today that I rely on my cellphone more than I feel I should. 3/4th of the way to work I realized I didn't have the stupid thing and had no time to go back to get it. I was stuck all day with lots of stress over this. I asked my Dad to look for it and he couldn't find it. I was beyond freaked out that I had seriously done something with it and it was lost for forever. I was tot he point where I was planning on dipping into my Africa money so I could go get a new phone. Ridiculous I know. This is on top of general work stress of crazy residents being crazy. And having to cook meals and grocery shop for the rest of the week as well as do my actual duties. It was beyond stressful. I seriously feel about 10 years older now because of it.

Turns out my phone was exactly where I thought it was and told my Dad to look he just couldn't find it at that one moment he looked. I still feel like quite the idiot for getting so stressed about something that shouldn't matter so much.

Nov/BEDN & Sad songs.

So back in April I did BEDA. Since it's NaNoWriMo and I have no intention of ever writing a novel I thought I'd bring back the BEDA philosophy and blog everyday of Nov. from here on out. Ambitious considering I can't really say to much about work anymore and the rest of my life is sad and boring.


So for today I guess I'll talk about some music. There are some songs out there that just make me cry. Sometimes I can't put my finger on it other times it's obviously words or melody and other times it's the connection to something else.

Moonlight Sonata - Beethoven If you've seen Mr. Holland's Opus you may remember the scene where he plays it for his class talking about how Beethoven was deaf after just finding out his son was deaf. Seriously breaks my heart.

Goodnight - Liz Calloway This one is words + performance that makes me sob. Here is a tid bit of the lyrics...

A world without the pain
That's stuck with you for far too long
A world that does contain
A love like mine to watch you grow strong

And when my time arrives
Please wait and make a place for me
For when I do arrive
Your face should be the first face I see

Dry away the tears
Lay aside your fears
No more pain for my love
You have now gone to sleep

Roses Theme- Murry Gold Yes, from the Doctor Who soundtrack because I'm lame. I just think of her standing on that beach crushed when this song plays. Ugh... seriously if you ever see the scene it will stay with you when you hear the theme.

I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me Once again lame but I can't help it! Sometimes I just get in that place where I know I need the perspective of a song like this and it helps humble me and question what I would do in heaven in the presence of God.

Those You've Known - Spring Awakening Cast I won't spoil the show but this is the final song before bows.

Now they’ll walk on my arm through the distant night
And I won’t let them stray from my heart
Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light
I will read all their dreams to the stars



I'm sure there are others out there but that's my short list. I actually like to have a good dry sometimes so if you have any awesome songs that make you cry I want to know!

Lists!

1. I sprained my wrist at work. I fell on an OILED floor because the maintenance guy is a moron. I was wearing sneakers... sneakers on a wood floor. Seriously shouldn't have slipped if it weren't for the oil.

2. There's a lovely ugly purple spot huge bruise on my wrist.

3. It's really hard to type with a wrist brace on.

4. I'm rewatching Skins series 1 and I adore it forever and always.

5. I leave for Scotland in 13 days!

Soo...

So it's a bit like I had an awkward breakup with my blog. Things were all intense and we decided to take some time apart and now we're revisiting the idea of being together again. How sad is it that I just likened my blog to a relationship?


Anyways I just spent two days at a conference for work and it was lovely to meet people and get to know more about the company I'm about to hit 6 months with. I got go to with the awesome people from work not the really shit ones who are more than likely going to get fired soon because they made a HUGE error that could have killed someone. But I can't say more because I don't want to get in trouble.

So yeah things still kind of suck but they're getting better on the work front. I really don't have much else to report. I made a video finally and it should be down in the video bar so check that out if you want.

BEDA:Thirty

hmmm... April was a shockingly hard month. Between my crazy work issues with the whole discrimination and wacky shifts I feel like I haven't done anything but sleep, work and blog. My bank account is thankful since it's bigger than... well ever at the moment ok so maybe not ever if you count HS Graduation money. April has just been complicated and dictated by work which is good because I like paying my bills but I'm not so much a fan of not doing anything other than work. All this is going to change in May though! We has our staff meeting of DOOM today and my schedule if freaking awesome. So awesome I fear for my life a bit but hey I kinda deserve it after the month I've had. So hello 9-5 Tues - Sat. Lovely!

In other May type things, everyday blogs are going away because I'm pretty sure they're boring but hey they'll still be around weekly like!

In other news I'm going to nap now because I have to work tonight.


random: my crazy neighbor (the "Preacher" no drag queen) is on the phone pacing outside my window. Weird. Now the old guy with the walker he ties her dog to to walk is grunting at his chair on his porch. Special as always.

BEDA:Twenty Six

I know I'm a day behind but it's because 3-11p only leaves me an hour to post on the same day and I spend 40 of those mins. driving back home.

Sunday was fine. I went to church, my cousin was filling in for the pastor and talked about the Punisher vs. Batman. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who got it but that's ok he's 2 months younger than I am and in general the rest of the church is on average 75+.

lol the breeze ruffling the drapes on my windows is freaking the dog out making him bark. Poor little guy is shaking but it still makes me laugh.

Anyways after church I had work church. Book attempted to run away into traffic again and I was tempted to let her go but I didn't and she made me a picture so I guess it was an ok deal. I had to explain the concept of the holy ghost to Natalie who is adorable but the concept of 'a part of God living inside her' kind of freaked her out a little. I hope I didn't give her nightmares or something.

There was a nap in here and then I went to work. Our resident who went to the hospital was admitted and has some tiny blood clots so he's going to be there for a few day. It sucks for him but the house is finally going to stop smelling like pee because he'll be away for awhile. So lots of being nights for me coming up at work. The best news is though my boss told me I'm going to be on Day turn or 9-5 all of may! That's going to be beyond awesome.

BEDA: Twenty three

Ah yes wine and a blog. Sounds like a good way to end this bizarre day I've had.

5:44a My neighbor called me to 'say hi'. I didn't have to go to work till 3pm needless to saying 'hi' wasn't exactly what I wanted to do.

1:30p I'm getting ready for work and my neighbor frantically calls me from Dollar General demanding I bring his twice ex-wife there to help sort out this refund he needs to get. He's all screamy and I was so not a fan. Did I mention I was getting ready for work?

3:00p I walk in to work and things are immediately strange. I don't know what just yet but things are for sure off.

3:30p I'm informed people have been peeing and pouring bleach in my house plants I brought to work. That's right peeing and pouring bleach in the house plants that sit in the dining room of the mental health facility where I work. These people have been exposing all residents and employees to bio and chemical hazards for some stupid reason I don't understand. Did I do anything to them? No. I stood up for my rights as a human to be treated as such and now they're doing this. It's just sick.

6:00p My boss turns up and confirms the situation. I can't get rid of the plants because they're 'evidence' so they have to stay sitting in the window in the dining room till the whole thing is resolved.

11:00p I call my Mom and she thinks I should quit. I don't even know what to think anymore. It all just makes me laugh because it's so ridicules.

12:00a I sit down with some wine to write my blog. It's been a weird day.

BEDA:Seventeen

Quote of the night/week: "I hope no Doctors are coming her tonight with an attitude about my genitals."

How to react when a for serious crazy person (because what normal one would?) say this to you:

1. Do not laugh. It's tempting to see this as a joke when a large old man is saying this to you from an arm chair across the room completely out of the blue but do not laugh.

2. Promise no one is coming for his genitals. I would say this one is fairly obvious because if someone who happened to be a Doctor was coming it wouldn't be in the middle of the night and the only attitude they would have would be one of concern for his lack of showering and the over use of the big ol' bottle of lotion by his bed.

3. Go back to what you were doing and keep trying not to laugh. For me this was watching Bones. Thankfully it was a corpse so I was grossed out not amused by a social faux pau one of the eccentrically brainy characters had made.

And that friends is a lesson on how to field random questions from crazytown.


In more my real life related news I managed to sleep six and a half hours today! This sounds stupid but it's hard for me to sleep in the daytime so a solid block of sleep like this is a true triumph. I had dreams about Bones because that's what I'm watching at work this week. I also made shrimp friend rice today which sounds weird because I just got up but I was really hungry! No worries I'll have cereal at work for dinner to make up for the weird breakfast.

I really love the green goodness bathhouse smoothies not just because they're tasty and a good source of veggies/fruits for the days I don't eat a ton of that but because it grosses out everyone at work. They don't eat green things or anything that isn't meat or a carb. They had meatloaf last night and the one lady sat and picked out the onions and sun dried tomatoes that were in it. Mind you this is a staff person not a resident her quote 'she just doesn't eat those kinds of things' the nurse has been a bit critical of her diet because we really do set a food example for the residents. If we don't eat it a lot of the time they won't and then it'll be a row of turkey sandwiches for dinner instead of the really nice meat loaf.

Sorry all the food talk lately. I have a sad life that centers on work, sleep and food this week.

BEDA:Nine

I work 7a-3p yesterday came home... ok went shopping first got my Mom's birthday stuff and a dress for Easter then came home. I had some food and then got a call asking me to come back into work for 11p-7a.

The night shift is something I talk about a lot because it's so weird. It's sitting around for 8 hours ding some cleaning and making sure no ones dies. It's like daylight shift but dark and quiet meaning your mind plays tricks. I had the biggest freak out at 5:30am when I heard footsteps upstairs. The whole upstairs of the building is a construction site as they finish so we can move up there so at 5:30 am I as a normal person don't think anyone should be up there but I can totally hear people moving around. We don't have any weapons or anything for obvious reasons so I had to go up there and check to find three of the construction guys clomping around. WTF what construction crew starts at 5:30am? I know they're on a deadline but really that's early. by 6:30a they were cutting tile like there weren't people trying to sleep downstairs. It was just strange.


In more random kind of stuff I totally saw a coyote on my way home. I thought my Dad was trying to keep us from playing in the woods as kids but I really did have one cross in front of my car today. It makes me wonder what else he's been right about. Is 'Big Brother' really watching? *shifty eyes*

BEDA: Eight

This is going to be short because I have to go sleep... because I'm going back to work tonight. I was called out and as much as it sucks I'm the only person who can come in. What makes this really bad is that the lady who said and did all this stuff... yeah I just did a shift change with her (after her HR meeting) and I'll have to do a second one when I go back in. Uggggh. I keep rubbing my face all stressed out but really it's making my skin even worse than usual. This is the worst blog ever isn't it? Yeah. I thought so.

BEDA:Seven

My head is going to explode. I think it has to do with being short shifted on sleep, stress and being exposed to two contagious people today. All of this amounts to the most painful headache I've ever had in my life. I'm a bit of a baby when it comes to headaches because I don't or have ever had migraines (or maybe I did but my Mom always said suck it up and deal. Hence why I was walking around on torn tendons in my foot for two weeks before seeing a doctor.) so I apparently 'don't know' what they feel like or so I'm told.

Germs/things I've been exposed to today:
-general daily grossness involved in washing pee sheets.
- eye gook from a residents
-a resident sneeze to the face.
-strep throat because a co-worker came in without antibiotics yet.
-stomach flu of the kid I baby sit for.

Yeah, I'm going to have a disease/illness in the near future

BEDA: Four

When you think of workplace discrimination you don't exactly think of yourself or at least I didn't. I've always been used to people being overly critical of me due to my weight, my quiet nature and my lack of desire to spill my secrets ect via the phone or in person. In short I know I tend to make people uncomfortable.

I honestly didn't think people could react like this. it wasn't till it was pointed out to me that I was being discriminated against and intimidated by my co-workers that I understood it. I shouldn't be intimidated because I'm young, unmarried, don't have children or am over weight and it shouldn't be a way to undermine my authority with our clients which has already been done. None of these are reasons for people to feel I'm a threat in any way but apparently people do and that's sad.

I think my shock to the situation stems from having a drama free life while in school. I picked my friends well and had few incidents of teasing. Sure it happened every now and then and it hurt just like it did for everyone else but you learn to be like a duck and let the water roll off your back having that slightly hardened outer layer that protects you. This is why I give so little of my personal self to people I don't trust. This is pretty unfortunate because I'm a funny, happy, good friend to those I let in and the rest of the world I let go on thinking I'm boring and shy. Sadly they're missing out because I'm awesome.

So now I have this huge case pending with HR at the company I work for that will no doubt be awful to deal with on our crew of five employees. With so few people it's easy to find out who did what and when. I wish I didn't have to do this but the reality is if I don't take a stand my self worth will take a hit as well as letting this person get away with it and letting them think it's ok to do to others. It isn't and I'm taking a stand.

BEDA:Two

I'm not a Doctor. I'm not a nurse. I'm not even a CNA. People seem to think because I have a basic amount of health knowledge and am certified to pass medications including anti-psychotics and every class of drugs I know everything these is to know about their health issues. I can't look at your rash and tell you if it's fungal or not. This is why people need to go to the Doctor not just for their own health but to help people like me!

In other news I slept in far to long today and am really confused about where my time went. I do not like it but I like my sleep to much to change it. I really do like staying up late with my own agenda and not at work. I think 3p-11p is the best shift for me right now.

BEDA:One

BADA 'blog everyday in April'. I'm going to try this and see how much I fail. I'm seeing fail by day 8 if not sooner.


So today I took my neighbor to see his Parole Officer. His car is working but this treatment he's on is making him hallucinate. Yeah that's fun I already have to tell people there aren't invisible dogs or other men in the room at work and the CIA isn't on the phone but dealing with it when I come isn't what I want. No the elephants in the yard aren't real and there aren't horses in your apartment.

I've been working on distancing myself from him anyways because I plan on moving soon... like real soon like if I found a place in the next week I'd be in there. Sadly it would be less money to buy a freaking house than to rent a one bedroom place. That's extremely frustrating.

So I think that's today so far.

Out of Hope... for now

Today was one of those days that work got to me. I work with adults who have mental illness. It's usually great days where it's fun and interesting. The last two days were intense. Strong delusions, trying to break delusions, people playing into delusions. Breaking a delusion isn't easy they're ingrained so deeply and with one of our residents reinforced by institutionalization since the age of 17. She's 61 years old now that's 44 years of pure failure to help her. She's someone with proper help she could have gotten better, she could have lived on her own and with the help of out patient therapy and medication have had a relatively normal life.

This woman thinks she has a husband, who was a fellow resident at the institution. She believes he's her Doctor and won't have any medical attention from anyone but him. He comes at night to do these medical appointments. She suffers from auditory and visual hallucinations. The auditory is hearing voices from her 'husband', others talking or God. Visual hallucinations range from seeing a dog in the house to the 'molecular foundations of all the world' and 'the writing on the wall' as in how rules appear in institutions. Illness is one thing but delusions created completely from living 'under care' makes me sick.

Today we were going to go to PetSmart and visit the animals (all of our residents love animals) but she physically could not go because the delusional writing she saw said she couldn't and that the world would end if she attempted to. Attempting to break these delusions is the hardest part. It's just sitting there and fighting for hours and days every time she brings up a delusion saying it's not real over and over and over again simply having hope that one day it'll sink in.

I'm out of hope today. I just hope I come up with a little by morning.

Things I like more than Cake

- new episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Seriously the latest two episodes were so amazing from an action and character point of view.

- Nerdy people like me who make me smile when they geek out.

- Barack Obama for saying he made a mistake. I honestly don't think he did by making the choices of appointments he did. The problem is fancy people thinking they don't have to pay taxes like the rest of us peasents.

- Sharpie markers.

- Things that smell like cake. Shower gel, lotion, candels ect.

- Diet coke. If there was a 'diet coke cake' I would be screwed though.

- Talking nerdy about Dr. Who. It's a treat when I find someone who knows anything about it.

- Cute Pam & Jim moments on The Office... though crazy Dwight moments are awesome as well.

- When we make a break though with a resident at work.

- When a resident's delusions are just funny. ie: he's been to see me as in Pittsburgh perform as a fetish wrestler. Uh, no and ew gross.

- Getting paid to sit around and re-watch Horatio Hornblower.

- My pink christmas tree which I haven't taken down yet. It's now a Valentine's tree.

- Actually having time to sit down and write this list.

... Though having cake with all of these things would make them even more awesome.

The problem with being a good person

The problem with being a good person is you don't get a day off. I work a tonnage of hours at my day job, keep the nursery for a church baby sit for a family with special needs children and do all kinds of favors for my family and friends. Don't get me wrong I like doing these things most of them time. I usually do most of them on the first of my two days off a week. Today is my second day off and all I want to do is relax. Instead of relaxing I'm doing cost analysis of fixing my Parents ceiling for the, having to run my neighbor with staff infection to the Doctors office and then possibly to the Cleveland Clinic if he doesn't have a ride, 'loaning' my sister more money and making some graphics for a friend. None of these things I really want to do.

All I want to do today is pay MY bills, go tot he grocery store, organize all my financial information, take out the trash (more complicated than it seems given the inch thing ice between my door and the dumpster) , make a video for my channel watch some blogtv and Chuck in 3D. The problem is doing all these things instead of the one at the top makes me seem like an extremely selfish person to those who need something from me.

I guess taking a day off is the worst thing to do when you're a good person.