The illness is lurking

Sometimes I feel I'm going a little crazy.

Not like my residents. I'm not hearing or seeing things that are telling me what to do. I do talk when I know there's no one there. I talk in the car everywhere I go. Sometimes I pretend there's someone in the seat next to me sometimes I don't. Sometimes I lie and talk about what I wish my life was. Other times I'm so honest I'm in tears. I can't decide if this is a good coping mechanism or a step on my slow descent into madness.

There are statistics out there on everything but one that I feel may actually be accurate is that 1 in 17 people (6%) will at some point have a serious diagnosable mental illness. While 26% will meet diagnostic criteria for any form of mental illness. The odds are at some point in my life I'll be one of those people.

I don't know if it's scary or a relief but I feel like it's looming, like the clouds are closing in around me and that I'll never ever be happy. I know I have every reason to be happy. I have friends, a family, a place to live food, a job that even though I hate pays well. I have plans for the future and I have ambitions. I have every reason not to feel like this but I do. The worst part is I've felt it before. I feel like things are out of control and swirling around me like I'm at the event horizon of a black hole about to go over the edge where I'll spend the rest of eternity falling into nothingness.

I want to get help and I know how. I spend my who day telling people to ask for help when they need it to just stand up and tell 'it' that you don't want it there and that you can take control of your own life. We all need to take our own advice more often than we like. Tomorrow I'm going to call and make an appointment for myself. I get some counseling sessions with my insurance so I might as well take advantage of them while I still have it.

It's lurking around the corner. Sometimes I want it to get me to suck me in but for now I'm going to fight it. I'm going to ask for help.

Quarter Life

So... I turned 25. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but everywhere I go there's someone reminding me that it's a big deal. I got up the morning of my birthday and told my Mom I wasn't really happy about it. She said 'oh 25 was a great year for me. It was the year I married your Dad. But we got engaged when I was still 24'. Yet another reminder of how I'm not married. Then there were constant questions asking me if I was planning on buying a new car or buying a house and WTF no. I have a good job but it's not that good. Then there was my extended family who asked polite questions all centered around 'is there something bothering you?'.

How do you tell people that although you have a good life a job you love and are financially independent you're life is nothing like you imagined it be when you got to this point?

I know life is hardly ever what we expect and that lumps, bumps and set backs are what makes us who we are but really this is a bit much. I'm sure the winter blahs will pass and I'll feel better about things. Especially if I get awesome news by Jan. 11th.

Back to Friday

Soooo... I didn't post after work last night after work. I don't get home till midnight and I really didn't stay up to much later than that.

Nothing of note really happened yesterday. For real boring day nothing evened happened at work of interest. We had a nice honey mustard chicken and potatoes for work. And orange jello but I don't like orange jello.

like I said int he video I made... boring.

Grow Your Own

I just had to listen to my Mom give a speech about being anti-legalization of marijuana about 11 times in a row either making her practice it, recording it or editing it. All I want to do is punch myself in the face.


My person stance on the issue: I have far better more important things to worry about than what you grow and smoke.

I don't care. if you want to smoke it fine. I think it should be regulated like tobacco and alcohol thanks to people who do dumb shit like get stoned out of their minds and drive. As for people who use it medically... if it's helping you I'm for it. For those who get it 'medically' and abuse it / have no real reason for it, you're messing up the current system for others. You should be stoned (and not in the good way you want to be.).

In other news I'm am tired and grumpy hence why this is really to the point.

Busy busy

I love/hate busy days. I always like having stuff to do but when it's my day off I always just want to chill and do nothing. My job can be a mental and emotional train wreck so it's nice to have a break from that. This never, ever happens on a Sunday. Today's schedule:

7:30a Wake-up
9:15a Church
10:30a Second church where I work watching the kids.
12:30p Family lunch for grandparents birthday. (all kinds weird family stuff went down as always)
2:15p Pause to change clothes.
2:30p RiteAid run for new blush and tape.
3:00p Meeting (what I needed the tape for)
4:50p Arrived home. took a short nap.
6:00p Evening modern Worship service.
7:30p Dinner


It doesn't sound like a lot and there was a nap but I for real like to do NOTHING on days off. I'm a lazy bum I can't help it!

Multi-Tasking

Why do we all feel the need to do a million things at once? I know I do it all the time but really it isn't efficient at all. For example right now I'm having an IM, conversation a real life conversation, editing a photo and watching something on youtube. Is this really how normal peopel do things or just us? By us I mean my family earlier my Mum and I were cooking dinner, chopping apples, baking a cake and bitching about the day.

I really wonder if normal people do this or if it's just a my family thing.

Choices

Go to Malawi or Go back to Scotland.

Back to Scotland Pro's.
-I love it there.
-I know some basics about how to travel there.
-I can understand the accents.
-I have friends there.
-It's Beautiful
-I plan on visiting new parts of the country.
-I like shopping there.
-It's relaxing to me.

Malawi Pro's
-I've never been to Africa
-It's a mission trip
-How many people from Ohio really visit Malawi
-I'd only have to pay for 2/3rds of it.
-GIRAFFE'S
-I'd have a true social prospective on a new part of the world.

I think it's only a choice because I'm afraid to go to Malawi. Scotland is comfortable now so I'm content to keep going back because I know it. I don't know Malawi at all other than Madonna adopted a baby from there and had all kinds of issues with it. It's just scary to change things.

BEDA: Eight

This is going to be short because I have to go sleep... because I'm going back to work tonight. I was called out and as much as it sucks I'm the only person who can come in. What makes this really bad is that the lady who said and did all this stuff... yeah I just did a shift change with her (after her HR meeting) and I'll have to do a second one when I go back in. Uggggh. I keep rubbing my face all stressed out but really it's making my skin even worse than usual. This is the worst blog ever isn't it? Yeah. I thought so.