12:37am Monday Morning

Moving is complete but unpacking has just begun. Power is turned on but the lack of internet is problematic. Hence this 12:37am update via the work internet. Don't worry I won't get in trouble as long as the cleaning is done and no ones dies *fingers crossed it's still early in the night* I'm free to to as I please... within reason.

A resident comes up. He tells me he feels foggy and ghost like. In a matter of fact way I inform him that halloween is over. He nods and goes back to bed. Everyday is almost halloween like around here. It's like loneliness he says before going back to bed. One of our ladies is up and in the bathroom. I have to keep the door open because she obsessively flushes the toilet till it breaks. She's telling me about how her breasts are named Sonny and Cher. I try not to laugh. No matter how many times she tells me this it's still funny.

This is how I spend my nights. Soon I'll turn to studying anatomy or perhaps I'll say screw it till tomorrow and watch Caprica on Hulu. Either way it's 12:44am now.

What's this?

oh hi.... yeah sorry. I fail at life. Well actually I've kind of been rocking it. I've been busy with work and school and my trip. So yeah lots of stuff happened/is happening.

I just felt like writing something due tot he complicated feelings that the show Caprica always brings up in me. It's a show sent in the future/past/alternate world.A world where people who believe in one God are the minority. A world where people who are discriminated against for their belief blow things up and hurt people. A faith similar to mine a faith I would be a part of. It just blows my mind a little... ok a lot.

Could I set bombs for God? It's so confusing and hard to think about.

FUCK YOU ALLERGIES!

Apparently the only way for me to not be ill is to move west of the Rockies where they don't have the kind of pollen that fucks with my system. It's bad enough that I have a respetory infection 3-6 months a year because of pollen but now to have to deal with this OAS shit is just not ok with me.

OAS= Oral allergy syndrome. Basically the pollen fucks with my mouth and stomach making me hyper sensitive to some foods. So the fresh mango I got at the store today thinking hey I like mango that's been frozen I'll just get a fresh one and do it myself since it's less expensive... no. This resulted in my mouth tingling and going raw on the inside followed by getting sick. NOT COOL. Sometimes I have the tingle/raw thing wth other foods so I called the Doctor to see if it was related and they gave me a big old list of things I might not be able to eat this time of year.

almonds, apples,apricots, avocados, bananas, berries, carrots, celery, cherries, citrus, cucumbers, grapes, hazel nuts, mangos, mellons, peaches, pears, peppers, and 'some spices'.

Mind you I've been taking a lot of meat that is processed in ways I don't trust out of my diet (ie:pre-made frozen burger patties, chicken nuggets... ect).

I'm not exactly sure what I can and can not even eat anymore.

FUCK YOU ALLERGIES!

Goodnight Mother Mellon and Papa Civic

In case anyone missed it I went to the game last night. It was a day on the lawn with my friends sitting int he rain and the cold cheering for my boys. The upper respiratory infection I’ve been dealing with for the last month didn’t stop me one bit.

The day started out at 4:45am for me getting up to go in to work for a few hours. Thankfully no disasters kept me at work longer than necessary. Then it was a stop at chipotle picking up food for myself and my friends who went up early to greet the guys after morning skate. Alas when I got there and was going to park the boys had already come out.

So it was down to the lawn to set up camp where we spent the afternoon laying on our blanket having to much nervous energy to nap or do anything other than talk about hockey and our team. It was nice to actually hang with my friends though one of whom has been my best friend since pre-school.

By 4:00p we were back up on the wall that over looks the players parking lot to greet and cheer for the guys as they came in. We cheer for everyone including the WBS black aces. Some Habs fans turn up to heckle the guys but they all take it good naturedly. HILARIOUS the guy doing the major heckling got snippy with everyone but Tanger whom he took a picture of walking in. It seems the Sexhair works on everyone. It was especially shiny and clean looking. :)

5:00pm all the guys have arrived and we’re back on the lawn. The clouds overhead are a bit omnious and the fog is rolling into the lower parts of the city but we’re still cool. 5:30pm not so much the rain starts so it time for ponchos and tarps. My friend seemed to thin that putting a tarp under the blanket and then one over the blanket would keep it dry. Obviously this didn’t work and everything got soaked. My lawn chair was soaked giving me a wet ass for the rest of the night but I’ve come to accept this is the natural state of things when it comes to playoffs on the lawn. You’re either getting a wet ass or a sunburn.

Around 6:30p the festivities start going and I get pissy about the number of Habs fans in attendance. Damn them for stealing my tickets. I tried and tried to get tickets but they bought chunks of seats. Anyways, the Pens people were throwing beand and hats into the crowd. By magic I managed to catch a hat. Really the thing nearly hit me in the face but I got it in my hand which to me constitutes a catch. So my new hat managed to keept the rain off my glasses for the first period as it continued to mist.

I don’t want to talk about the first period so I’m not going to. Save to say I called the officials a number of insults that would make Shakespeare and Shaft and the South Park guys proud.

First intermission we read last years Puck Huffers inspirational story that is full of LOLs aloud.

http://www.puckhuffers.com/2009/05/playoffs-have-ended-war-has-begun.html

Then there was feasting on doritos, funions and lorna doones. We’re classy girls with those snacks right?

The second brought with it lots of hope and things were looking up… then people started to exit the lawn and the arena. I got pissy and needed to be brought back to reality with the saving grace of a diet coke.

Then it was the second intermission with this years inspirational story from the PH ladies…

http://www.puckhuffers.com/2010/05/aftermath-mind-of-max-talbot.html

so with that bit of glorious inspiration we went into the third hopeful and with smiles.

I don’t want to talk about the stupid people leaving the arena and the lawn with 10 mins left in the day They are not worthy of air and I hope Mother Mellon cursed them on their way out. I’m pretty sure they aren’t worthy of air.

So it was back up to the wall to cheer for the guys as they came out. They all appreciated and most signed for people, even the obnoxious ones. Everyone but Max had shaved their beards with Brooks sporting a goatee.

I left the wall at 11:30pm giving Mother Mellon formerly known as Papa Civic for most of my life a hug. My hockey memories of the building are by far my best but I can’t deny that my first was Barbie Icecapades.

Here I am today with no voice feeling like the crypt keeper is knocking on my door but it was all worth it. The beauty of it is we may be done for now but in Aug/Sept. when training camp starts back up we’ll be back only the action will be taking place just across the street.

So what does this mean? Well it means I'll have to find other things to do with my life than watch hockey... oh that's right I could prep for going to AFRICA in less than 4 months!

Oh HI! Tanger est mon petit chou

Oh... I guess you're still here. Sorry about that. I kind of forgot about you. I promise not to let it happen again. Actually that's a lie I have no way of controlling how forgetful / boring I am. If things are going good I generally don't have much to update about so yeah that's for listening to me bitch a moan about crap.

This isn't a bitch and moan session though things are actually pretty good right now. I've taken a step back from some stuff that was way to intense (ie: work stuff). I still have the same job but I've backed off my intensity to which it effects me. This may sound horrible but I'm just not putting as much into it. I still do a kick ass job but I'm not screwing up my own head about it anymore. I like what I do but it's not worth all the pain it was giving me. I guess this would be the more professional way of dealing with it all along. If my life were a show it would be a workplace/medical drama and I'd be the one who just cared to much.

I think things are so good right now thanks to my obsession with the Penguins kicking into gear as we ramp up for playoffs. Now don't think I'm a fair weather fan I've been watching games and keeping track of them since Oct. but with this being the last season at the Mellon and needing a distraction from work they've helped me out a lot. The biggest problem with this is that I'm obviously a little nuts so I can't wear half my clothes because they've lost while I was wearing them. Oh yes I'm this crazy... it's a good crazy right? I'm working on it I promise. I keep telling myself that when an article of clothing gets washed it washes the loss off. Yeah I'm crazy.

Last weekend was a big Pens weekend. My BFF and I went to the free open practice to watch and then got some sweet autographs! My favorite Pens shirt (which I really like to wear the most) I can't now because it's become my signature shirt. Le Sigh. We got hair cuts which was a trauma on its own. I now have way shorter hair. It's not a bad thing just different. This was followed by dinner and a movie with other friends before heading to a hotel we all shared. We made signs which was a lot of fun. I have mine in my room now and can STILL smell the sharpie marker we used to color it in. We got pretty damn high on marker that night. Seriously things were funny when they were just dumb.

The next day was the game which was good even though we lost with .9 seconds left in the Overtime. That's right we lost with not even a whole second on the clock. The guys were all really nice signing for fans when they came out though. It was a beautiful day. I even got to have a little convo about my sign with the player I made it for (Kris Letang. Google him. He is one talented sexy dude.). Then it was off to dinner with other friends which was brilliant fun with some apple to apples playing. I totally won the first game. :)

Today gets an update mostly because I actually have time and energy to do so. Just a regular day with meetings and baby sitting. Tomorrow is back for open practice and then some glorious cheesecake factory dinner. What's up with everyone? I want some comments so let me know what's up with you!

The illness is lurking

Sometimes I feel I'm going a little crazy.

Not like my residents. I'm not hearing or seeing things that are telling me what to do. I do talk when I know there's no one there. I talk in the car everywhere I go. Sometimes I pretend there's someone in the seat next to me sometimes I don't. Sometimes I lie and talk about what I wish my life was. Other times I'm so honest I'm in tears. I can't decide if this is a good coping mechanism or a step on my slow descent into madness.

There are statistics out there on everything but one that I feel may actually be accurate is that 1 in 17 people (6%) will at some point have a serious diagnosable mental illness. While 26% will meet diagnostic criteria for any form of mental illness. The odds are at some point in my life I'll be one of those people.

I don't know if it's scary or a relief but I feel like it's looming, like the clouds are closing in around me and that I'll never ever be happy. I know I have every reason to be happy. I have friends, a family, a place to live food, a job that even though I hate pays well. I have plans for the future and I have ambitions. I have every reason not to feel like this but I do. The worst part is I've felt it before. I feel like things are out of control and swirling around me like I'm at the event horizon of a black hole about to go over the edge where I'll spend the rest of eternity falling into nothingness.

I want to get help and I know how. I spend my who day telling people to ask for help when they need it to just stand up and tell 'it' that you don't want it there and that you can take control of your own life. We all need to take our own advice more often than we like. Tomorrow I'm going to call and make an appointment for myself. I get some counseling sessions with my insurance so I might as well take advantage of them while I still have it.

It's lurking around the corner. Sometimes I want it to get me to suck me in but for now I'm going to fight it. I'm going to ask for help.

Work & Life and things I more than likely shouldn't be talking about.

You know things are bad at work when you come home have dinner and have a nap in total silence. I just couldn't inject anymore stimuli into my life than the thoughts going on though my head. You call someone to talk about it and you find yourself immediately just falling to pieces and then you're unable to pick to pieces up. That's how it feels like now. I called my Mom to talk but just ended up sobbing into the phone making little sense. I'm still crying it's so bad. I don't know how to explain how this all works. How I know it's not healthy for a job to make you feel this bad.

I try not to talk about work to much since it's kind of sensitive. There are big professional boundaries when working in the health and mental health field. I could be here telling stories about for real crazy things that happen to me but I don't because I don't want to take advantage of my residents like that. It's my job to keep my work place and their home safe and comfortable. I feel like it's neither of those things now. We're mandated an unsafe amount of overtime work, we have dangerous residents who need more security and more staffing around, and most of them aren't getting what they need to help them be able to re-enter the community when their commitment is up. All in all the facility that I'm employed at is failing the people it serves and it's killing me. I don't feel safe there, neither do our residents and my manager does not intend to do anything about it.

I'm at the end of my rope. I've started looking for a new job but I don't feel like I can leave this so easy. I feel like I can't leave my residents there like that in that place that's so bad. Some of them just deserve so much better. I wish I could get them all out and in better places.

I feel so powerless.

This is just my brain kind of spilling ick everywhere. Sorry you made it this far without knowing there really wasn't a point to this.

You might not know...

In general most people don't know I'm a hockey fan. Hockey is my winter soccer and the only professional sport I follow. To me Hockey is this game that throws me back into a more primitive state where I love to see someone get slammed into the glass and the joy of winning just takes over. It's this amazing way to let out so much pent up anger and aggression as I cheer for my team.

Thankfully I live near Pittsburgh, PA allowing me to follow the greatness that is Penguins Hockey. I've seen the Pens go up and down in my life and will admit it wasn't till I was in High School that I started to see the beauty of Hockey thanks to minor league games. In general tickets to see the Pens are far to expensive for me. Now that I'm an adult with a job I can say I'll be attending my second Pens game taking my Dad with me for his first Pens game.

So there's this little bit most people don't know about me.

Quarter Life

So... I turned 25. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but everywhere I go there's someone reminding me that it's a big deal. I got up the morning of my birthday and told my Mom I wasn't really happy about it. She said 'oh 25 was a great year for me. It was the year I married your Dad. But we got engaged when I was still 24'. Yet another reminder of how I'm not married. Then there were constant questions asking me if I was planning on buying a new car or buying a house and WTF no. I have a good job but it's not that good. Then there was my extended family who asked polite questions all centered around 'is there something bothering you?'.

How do you tell people that although you have a good life a job you love and are financially independent you're life is nothing like you imagined it be when you got to this point?

I know life is hardly ever what we expect and that lumps, bumps and set backs are what makes us who we are but really this is a bit much. I'm sure the winter blahs will pass and I'll feel better about things. Especially if I get awesome news by Jan. 11th.