Bitchy people make me whant to punch things... like their faces

It sucks but I hate working with most people who are over 35. They seem to have it in their heads that because they have a family they should take priority in everything when it comes to everything. Guess what folks I'm the one with the schooling so I win. You can't change my days off so you can have three days especially when the schedule you're trying to change in the one we're currently working. I hope you know if you do get your way and my schedule changes you'll be paying me $300 for the flight and room I've booked in NYC to go look at a Grad school with my sister. You may have kids but I have family too and they're important if you like it or not.

This is to the point where I hate walking into work because I over lap shifts by 15 mins with these people. They're the most painful 15 mins of my whole day and it makes me sick thinking about it. I shouldn't have to defend my days off. If you don't like your talk to our boss don't just try to change it. I have sunday and monday off not even the normal weekend. I know you want to take my sunday too but I work two other jobs that day and I'm not giving them up because you're being childish get the other lady who's off friday and saturday to trade you for awhile. It's not like your kid in on a school schedule anyways. They don't miss you on the specific weekend because to them everyday is the weekend without school to tell them it isn't.

I hate being told I'm less important because I don't have a family of my own.

Current Status

I'm tired. I've worked 7pm-7am two days in a row. I had my 'day off' where I came home at 8am slept till 9:30am then went to watch the kids at church. They I slept another three hours before going to baby sit from 7pm-1am I finally got to sleep a normal amount last night but in the process I managed to sleep or work my two 'days off' away. I managed a 5 min conversation with my best friend and a lunch with my family. This isn't cool. The whole point of days off is the chance to de-stress and relax. Sure I could be doing that now but instead I'm thinking about what to make for dinner and what time I should go to bed in anticipation of the double 7am-11pm I'm working tomorrow. This isn't cool. Thankfully it should be done after tomorrows double and I'll be back to normal.

In other news, I'll be in New York on Monday! yes, only one day but it'll still be awesome!

Out of Hope... for now

Today was one of those days that work got to me. I work with adults who have mental illness. It's usually great days where it's fun and interesting. The last two days were intense. Strong delusions, trying to break delusions, people playing into delusions. Breaking a delusion isn't easy they're ingrained so deeply and with one of our residents reinforced by institutionalization since the age of 17. She's 61 years old now that's 44 years of pure failure to help her. She's someone with proper help she could have gotten better, she could have lived on her own and with the help of out patient therapy and medication have had a relatively normal life.

This woman thinks she has a husband, who was a fellow resident at the institution. She believes he's her Doctor and won't have any medical attention from anyone but him. He comes at night to do these medical appointments. She suffers from auditory and visual hallucinations. The auditory is hearing voices from her 'husband', others talking or God. Visual hallucinations range from seeing a dog in the house to the 'molecular foundations of all the world' and 'the writing on the wall' as in how rules appear in institutions. Illness is one thing but delusions created completely from living 'under care' makes me sick.

Today we were going to go to PetSmart and visit the animals (all of our residents love animals) but she physically could not go because the delusional writing she saw said she couldn't and that the world would end if she attempted to. Attempting to break these delusions is the hardest part. It's just sitting there and fighting for hours and days every time she brings up a delusion saying it's not real over and over and over again simply having hope that one day it'll sink in.

I'm out of hope today. I just hope I come up with a little by morning.

Things in my journal 2003

A list if camp memories.
- Playing in the rain with Devon. (The first child I ever got to interact with on a daily basis who is autistic)
- Death threats from Sheena. (even at 18 people wanted to kill me.)
- 'This hill is ignorant'. (a direct quote about a really big hill we had to walk up several times a day.)
- Learning to play chess (and falling in love while doing it.)
- Jimmy's 'I killed him Gilbert moment'. (he squashed a bug and then cried and prayed for it.)
- Hugs. (so many kids so many hugs. Everywhere I've worked since this place has been 'hands off'.)


A failed attempt at poetry.
You called for a favor yesterday and cried to me about your life
you have no idea what you do to me on the inside
you make it so hard to say no
I want you back but I don't.

Favorite quotes
'Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length' Robert Frost

'Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be' Ralph Waldo Emerson

Skins

I promise not to spoil you if you're watching Skins you should be. I know what you may be thinking. You've heard skins is an over sexed over drugged drama about pretty kids. Yes, it is I won't try to tell you it isn't. They're pretty and they have a lot of sex and do a lot of drug. What you might not know is they address a lot of issues teens deal with from the complexities to conveniences of friendship, dating relationships, coming out of the closet, emigration, dealing with long term illness, separated parents, poor parents, family values that don't always match your own, finding your own identity among friends and siblings, deciphering what love is and what it isn't. Behind the gratuitous sex and drug use are stories of real kids dealing with real issues that anyone can relate to.

So get off your high horse and try watching Skins.

Things I like more than Cake

- new episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Seriously the latest two episodes were so amazing from an action and character point of view.

- Nerdy people like me who make me smile when they geek out.

- Barack Obama for saying he made a mistake. I honestly don't think he did by making the choices of appointments he did. The problem is fancy people thinking they don't have to pay taxes like the rest of us peasents.

- Sharpie markers.

- Things that smell like cake. Shower gel, lotion, candels ect.

- Diet coke. If there was a 'diet coke cake' I would be screwed though.

- Talking nerdy about Dr. Who. It's a treat when I find someone who knows anything about it.

- Cute Pam & Jim moments on The Office... though crazy Dwight moments are awesome as well.

- When we make a break though with a resident at work.

- When a resident's delusions are just funny. ie: he's been to see me as in Pittsburgh perform as a fetish wrestler. Uh, no and ew gross.

- Getting paid to sit around and re-watch Horatio Hornblower.

- My pink christmas tree which I haven't taken down yet. It's now a Valentine's tree.

- Actually having time to sit down and write this list.

... Though having cake with all of these things would make them even more awesome.

The problem with being a good person

The problem with being a good person is you don't get a day off. I work a tonnage of hours at my day job, keep the nursery for a church baby sit for a family with special needs children and do all kinds of favors for my family and friends. Don't get me wrong I like doing these things most of them time. I usually do most of them on the first of my two days off a week. Today is my second day off and all I want to do is relax. Instead of relaxing I'm doing cost analysis of fixing my Parents ceiling for the, having to run my neighbor with staff infection to the Doctors office and then possibly to the Cleveland Clinic if he doesn't have a ride, 'loaning' my sister more money and making some graphics for a friend. None of these things I really want to do.

All I want to do today is pay MY bills, go tot he grocery store, organize all my financial information, take out the trash (more complicated than it seems given the inch thing ice between my door and the dumpster) , make a video for my channel watch some blogtv and Chuck in 3D. The problem is doing all these things instead of the one at the top makes me seem like an extremely selfish person to those who need something from me.

I guess taking a day off is the worst thing to do when you're a good person.