Oh HI! Tanger est mon petit chou

Oh... I guess you're still here. Sorry about that. I kind of forgot about you. I promise not to let it happen again. Actually that's a lie I have no way of controlling how forgetful / boring I am. If things are going good I generally don't have much to update about so yeah that's for listening to me bitch a moan about crap.

This isn't a bitch and moan session though things are actually pretty good right now. I've taken a step back from some stuff that was way to intense (ie: work stuff). I still have the same job but I've backed off my intensity to which it effects me. This may sound horrible but I'm just not putting as much into it. I still do a kick ass job but I'm not screwing up my own head about it anymore. I like what I do but it's not worth all the pain it was giving me. I guess this would be the more professional way of dealing with it all along. If my life were a show it would be a workplace/medical drama and I'd be the one who just cared to much.

I think things are so good right now thanks to my obsession with the Penguins kicking into gear as we ramp up for playoffs. Now don't think I'm a fair weather fan I've been watching games and keeping track of them since Oct. but with this being the last season at the Mellon and needing a distraction from work they've helped me out a lot. The biggest problem with this is that I'm obviously a little nuts so I can't wear half my clothes because they've lost while I was wearing them. Oh yes I'm this crazy... it's a good crazy right? I'm working on it I promise. I keep telling myself that when an article of clothing gets washed it washes the loss off. Yeah I'm crazy.

Last weekend was a big Pens weekend. My BFF and I went to the free open practice to watch and then got some sweet autographs! My favorite Pens shirt (which I really like to wear the most) I can't now because it's become my signature shirt. Le Sigh. We got hair cuts which was a trauma on its own. I now have way shorter hair. It's not a bad thing just different. This was followed by dinner and a movie with other friends before heading to a hotel we all shared. We made signs which was a lot of fun. I have mine in my room now and can STILL smell the sharpie marker we used to color it in. We got pretty damn high on marker that night. Seriously things were funny when they were just dumb.

The next day was the game which was good even though we lost with .9 seconds left in the Overtime. That's right we lost with not even a whole second on the clock. The guys were all really nice signing for fans when they came out though. It was a beautiful day. I even got to have a little convo about my sign with the player I made it for (Kris Letang. Google him. He is one talented sexy dude.). Then it was off to dinner with other friends which was brilliant fun with some apple to apples playing. I totally won the first game. :)

Today gets an update mostly because I actually have time and energy to do so. Just a regular day with meetings and baby sitting. Tomorrow is back for open practice and then some glorious cheesecake factory dinner. What's up with everyone? I want some comments so let me know what's up with you!

The illness is lurking

Sometimes I feel I'm going a little crazy.

Not like my residents. I'm not hearing or seeing things that are telling me what to do. I do talk when I know there's no one there. I talk in the car everywhere I go. Sometimes I pretend there's someone in the seat next to me sometimes I don't. Sometimes I lie and talk about what I wish my life was. Other times I'm so honest I'm in tears. I can't decide if this is a good coping mechanism or a step on my slow descent into madness.

There are statistics out there on everything but one that I feel may actually be accurate is that 1 in 17 people (6%) will at some point have a serious diagnosable mental illness. While 26% will meet diagnostic criteria for any form of mental illness. The odds are at some point in my life I'll be one of those people.

I don't know if it's scary or a relief but I feel like it's looming, like the clouds are closing in around me and that I'll never ever be happy. I know I have every reason to be happy. I have friends, a family, a place to live food, a job that even though I hate pays well. I have plans for the future and I have ambitions. I have every reason not to feel like this but I do. The worst part is I've felt it before. I feel like things are out of control and swirling around me like I'm at the event horizon of a black hole about to go over the edge where I'll spend the rest of eternity falling into nothingness.

I want to get help and I know how. I spend my who day telling people to ask for help when they need it to just stand up and tell 'it' that you don't want it there and that you can take control of your own life. We all need to take our own advice more often than we like. Tomorrow I'm going to call and make an appointment for myself. I get some counseling sessions with my insurance so I might as well take advantage of them while I still have it.

It's lurking around the corner. Sometimes I want it to get me to suck me in but for now I'm going to fight it. I'm going to ask for help.

Work & Life and things I more than likely shouldn't be talking about.

You know things are bad at work when you come home have dinner and have a nap in total silence. I just couldn't inject anymore stimuli into my life than the thoughts going on though my head. You call someone to talk about it and you find yourself immediately just falling to pieces and then you're unable to pick to pieces up. That's how it feels like now. I called my Mom to talk but just ended up sobbing into the phone making little sense. I'm still crying it's so bad. I don't know how to explain how this all works. How I know it's not healthy for a job to make you feel this bad.

I try not to talk about work to much since it's kind of sensitive. There are big professional boundaries when working in the health and mental health field. I could be here telling stories about for real crazy things that happen to me but I don't because I don't want to take advantage of my residents like that. It's my job to keep my work place and their home safe and comfortable. I feel like it's neither of those things now. We're mandated an unsafe amount of overtime work, we have dangerous residents who need more security and more staffing around, and most of them aren't getting what they need to help them be able to re-enter the community when their commitment is up. All in all the facility that I'm employed at is failing the people it serves and it's killing me. I don't feel safe there, neither do our residents and my manager does not intend to do anything about it.

I'm at the end of my rope. I've started looking for a new job but I don't feel like I can leave this so easy. I feel like I can't leave my residents there like that in that place that's so bad. Some of them just deserve so much better. I wish I could get them all out and in better places.

I feel so powerless.

This is just my brain kind of spilling ick everywhere. Sorry you made it this far without knowing there really wasn't a point to this.

You might not know...

In general most people don't know I'm a hockey fan. Hockey is my winter soccer and the only professional sport I follow. To me Hockey is this game that throws me back into a more primitive state where I love to see someone get slammed into the glass and the joy of winning just takes over. It's this amazing way to let out so much pent up anger and aggression as I cheer for my team.

Thankfully I live near Pittsburgh, PA allowing me to follow the greatness that is Penguins Hockey. I've seen the Pens go up and down in my life and will admit it wasn't till I was in High School that I started to see the beauty of Hockey thanks to minor league games. In general tickets to see the Pens are far to expensive for me. Now that I'm an adult with a job I can say I'll be attending my second Pens game taking my Dad with me for his first Pens game.

So there's this little bit most people don't know about me.

Quarter Life

So... I turned 25. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but everywhere I go there's someone reminding me that it's a big deal. I got up the morning of my birthday and told my Mom I wasn't really happy about it. She said 'oh 25 was a great year for me. It was the year I married your Dad. But we got engaged when I was still 24'. Yet another reminder of how I'm not married. Then there were constant questions asking me if I was planning on buying a new car or buying a house and WTF no. I have a good job but it's not that good. Then there was my extended family who asked polite questions all centered around 'is there something bothering you?'.

How do you tell people that although you have a good life a job you love and are financially independent you're life is nothing like you imagined it be when you got to this point?

I know life is hardly ever what we expect and that lumps, bumps and set backs are what makes us who we are but really this is a bit much. I'm sure the winter blahs will pass and I'll feel better about things. Especially if I get awesome news by Jan. 11th.

Vacation all I ever wanted...

So... I think I might maybe take two vacations this year. This is all assuming I'm selected to go to Africa which is still pending though I did send my application in. What I'm really excited about at the moment is VidCon which is an internet video conference happening this summer in LA that I would only need to take two personal days to attend and my travel would cost under $500 which is sooo manageable plus there's the fact that registration is uber cheap and the hotel rate is beyond awesome at $149 a night in LA.

I'm really hoping that I can make this happen. I know for sure if Africa doesn't happen I'll be going. I just need to hold out to register till I know what's going on. Final selection for the trip isn't till Jan. 11th so I have to pray the con doesn't fill up right away.


Also I know I failed at BEDN so lets never speak of it again.

Weekends & Magic

I don't really have a normal weekend. I work the evening shift so I never get to see anyone ever. It's a pain int he ass. I don't really like to complain about it but it sucks so bad. No one is getting any holiday off and there isn't going to be any new staff till the new year. So basically no one can ever have an additional day off ever again.

Ugh. No complaining. I hate complaining.

If you haven't seen BBC's Merlin it's completely awesome and you should fun family actiony dramay good stuff for everyone. Really it's amazing and I love it and you should too. :)